The Question: Are You Having Any More Children?

It's been on my mind, and obviously Ryan's mind too. Ryan and I were on our monthly date today, and he said he wanted me to have another baby, preferably a girl - but he'd be okay with a boy too. We've had this discussion many times before. He tells me he wants another sibling, and I remind him of how bad my pregnancy was and it's hard for mommy to have kids. If you do not know, I'll fill you in on how my pregnancies have been in the past (skip this if you already know)...then I'll tell you what Ryan said that made my heart melt.

I start off pretty good until week 6-8, then this is how it goes - One day I am just fine, and literally the next morning I wake up throwing up. I then keep crackers by my bed to eat before I get out of bed, then I throw up. I drink juice, I throw up. I eat dry toast, I throw up. I eat fruit, I throw up. I drink water, I throw up. Because I can't drink water, I end up in the hospital--3 times with my last pregnancy. So my doctor decides to put a PICC line in me (an IV they put in through the crease in my elbow and the tube goes up my arm across my chest down right above my heart...NOT FUN). I have to go to the doctor once a week to get it checked/cleaned, (ouch!). Ben was going to school and working at the time, and he was my nurse. He would wake up at 3-4 a.m. to start my IV so it would be finished before he left for work. Then my mom/his mom would start another IV at night while Ben was in school. You're probably wondering, why couldn't you just do it yourself? I did not eat...anything for 5 months. No joke. Just fluids and multivitamins and Zofran (the anti-nausea meds for Cancer Patients). I could not even suck on a mint without throwing it up. I was out of it! I lied on the couch literally wishing (sometimes) that I would just die, because death would feel better than this. But then I remembered I had a little boy who needed me. Ryan was only 3, but he learned how to get his own breakfast and lunch. It made me cry, every day. I was so grateful to ward members who came and took Ryan for the day and let him play, and fed him meals. They also brought in meals for Ben and Ryan every night (seriously, every night for months!) I could not have done it without them!! My mom and Ben's mom both worked, and could only come at night (and I was so happy they still came out- they both live in Tooele-not super close).

I remember the most relief I had was at night. I would lay in bed, and if I did not move (or Ben did not move), I would not throw up, and I could just sleep. I loved night time, even if my stomach did hurt...it felt good to not throw up. Needless to say I lost weight, about 15 lbs. Not exactly safe when you're pregnant.

Around Month 5 was when I started feeling better. I could eat canned peaches and keep them down, yay! I had my picc line removed in month 5, and then I felt great...and gained a TON of weight towards the end because I ate everything I could see.

What I went through was called: Hyperemesis gravidarum. And I hope none of you have ever, or will ever experience it! Thankfully my deliveries were always pretty easy - 10 mins of pushing and they were out!

(side note: I know I'm forgetting some things, I've tried to block this time in my life. And please don't think I'm trying to be a drama queen, I'm just trying to explain what it was like)

This is why I've struggled with the question, Are you having any more children?
Yes, I would like to have more. Have you seen our boys? They are adorable, and so sweet! It's hard to not have another one. But I also have to think of what it would do to my kids if I were pregnant again. *Heart Melting Part* This is where Ryan chimed in saying: "but mom, I could watch Ethan for you. I'm big. I could make him breakfast and lunch, and help him get dressed." Yup, I cried today when he told me this. It makes me sad that my body can't do what most bodies can (well, female bodies anyway).

This is what I say to myself now: I have two very handsome boys who I love dearly. Some people out there can't even have one child, and I've had TWO! I'm so lucky!! Just think, vacations will be cheaper with two kids, and we will be able to put our kids through college. It's hard to do that when you have a lot of kids. I'm also going to school (slowly) and I would not be able to keep going with a newborn.

I love my husband, and I have two wonderful children--I don't have much I can complain about. It only makes me sad that other people don't understand why I'm not having more. One things for sure, I'm so grateful for modern medicine, or I would not be here watching my boys grow up!

So the short answer is: No, I'm not having any more children.